names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
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The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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