my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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