If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
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So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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