the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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