even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
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