Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize