when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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