my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
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the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
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drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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