Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
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We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
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She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
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