Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
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She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
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I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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