bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Girls should come with a carfax report
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Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
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Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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