my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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