I murdered the dance floor call the cops
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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