did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
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Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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