I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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