Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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