I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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