the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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