I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
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I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
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All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
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