This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
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I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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