I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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