We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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