1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize