Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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