Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
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Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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