At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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