i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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