Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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