Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize