Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
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I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
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Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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