grandma shit on top of the toilet
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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