I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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