I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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