i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize