My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
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Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize