My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
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2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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