tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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