i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
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I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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