cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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