Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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