I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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