I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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