Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
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Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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