wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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