I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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