First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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