as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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