whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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