Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize