I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
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The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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